I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
