God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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