So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
