If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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