I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
