She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
