I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I'm eating all of the evidence.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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