Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
we should paint friendship bongs
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
