i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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