So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
