someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
