The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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