Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
