In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
