new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
