I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
