I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
