If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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