Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize