Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
