First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
