My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
