I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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