The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
