pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
