i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
