If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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