the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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