god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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