I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
