please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
