Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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