It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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