Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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