In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
