its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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