Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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