Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
