i love accidental penises.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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