With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
