My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize