Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
