My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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