i was born a porn star she said
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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