Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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