the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
