oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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