i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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