Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
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