god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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