There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
