This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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