You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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