I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
