I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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