i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
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