One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
