finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
They took my balls.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
