hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
