I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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