then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
