my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
