I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize