She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
