at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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