I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
